Jesus Returns, Announces Conversion To Scientology

Surprise Second Coming coincides with Tom Cruise wedding; Cruise to perform conversion ceremony. November 14, 2006 Bite! News staff ROME - Jesus Christ returned to Earth yesterday, startling humanity with His revelation that He has embraced Scientology and plans to convert to that religion at the wedding of superstar Tom Cruise this weekend. "Humanity: behold! For I have returned. And I am here to show you the way. And that way is Scientology," announced the King of Kings in a statement issued through His attorneys. Church of Scientology officials are being tight-lipped about this surprising turn of events. However, a Scientology source confided to Bite! News that this deal has been in the works for months. "Our feeling was that Mr. Christ would make a good spokesman for the Church of Scientology," said the source, who requested anonymity. "Our lawyers approached him about a year ago, and it just took off from there." The source also said that Tom Cruise himself would perform the secret conversion ceremony prior to his weekend nuptials in Rome. "Mr. Cruise is very eager to do this. He has already met with Mr. Christ, and they are going over the details. He even gave Mr. Christ his first motorcycle lesson yesterday." Although little is known about the conversion ceremony itself, some observers speculate it centers around the Motorcycle Fire Jump Challenge, an attempt to quickly purge the body's buildup of evil thetans. "You have to understand, Mr. Christ will be turning 2,038 next month. He's got a lot of thetans to purge," said the source. This is not Jesus Christ's first brush with controversy. He gained some notoriety 2,000 years ago after repeated clashes with the Roman establishment over religious issues. Mr. Christ was eventually executed, although He had the last laugh when He rose from the dead three days later. The source would not give any details of the location of Mr. Christ, saying only that "He is in a safe, comfortable place. He has much catching up to do, and has taken a particular liking to Battlestar Galactica."

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