Vatican Acquires AOL for $175.2M

Combined entity Roman CatholicOnline to offer bundled religious, internet services. November 11, 2006 Bite! News staff ROME - In an effort to reverse dwindling marketshare, Roman Catholic Church officials today announced the acquisition of internet service provider America Online in a deal worth a reported US$175.2 million in cash and equity. The combined entity, to be known as Roman CatholicOnline, will use each organization's niche experience to create a religious and technology powerhouse. "This is truly an event for the ages," Roman Catholic Church CEO Pope Benedict XVI said in a press conference at the Vatican's historic Apostolic Palace. "Our two great organizations will come together to provide unparalleled religious, spiritual and high-speed internet services to the masses of humanity." The move has shocked analysts, many of whom had predicted a deal with rival Netscape Communications was in the works. "After many months of communion and contemplation, we decided that America Online was the best fit for our organization. Both of our institutions have been bleeding red ink and losing marketshare. This move will now position the One True Catholic Church to better compete with the recent Microsoft acquisition of Islam, known as MicroSlam." "If Jesus could turn water into wine," added Benedict, "surely He can turn Voice-Over-IP technology into a cost-effective alternative to traditional phone service." The merger is still pending regulatory approval.

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