Horoscopes for the week ending January 28, 2007

By Zoltan Jones Bite! News astrologer AQUARIUS (Jan.20-Feb.18) - Pluto is in your fourth house this week, Aquarius, which is normally a very good sign. Under last year's charts, I would have predicted a large amount of wealth and luck for you in the coming seven days. But alas, Pluto is no longer a planet. So instead I'd recommend re-checking your tax return and calling a lawyer. PISCES (Feb.19-Mar.20) - How lucky will you be this week, Pisces? Let's just put it this way. First, bet everything you have on a team in the Super Bowl. Then tell me how you bet, so I can wager everything I have on the opposite team. ARIES (Mar.21-Apr.19) - Why are you being so serious, Aries? The signs point to you finally getting laid in the next seven days. But not if you don't chill. TAURUS (Apr.20-May.20) - Taurus, I predict this will be your lucky week. Aquarius' pain and misery will mean fun and profits for you. GEMINI (May.21-Jun.21) - President Bush is currently enjoying a 28% approval rating in the polls, Gemini. You, on the other hand, should be so lucky. So I recommend keeping your mouth shut. CANCER (Jun.22-Jul.22) - I'll be honest, Cancer. After doing your chart, I was so bummed out that I just couldn't go through with putting it into print. I may even need therapy. Yes, it's that bad. But I have to write something. So...come here often? LEO (Jul.23-Aug.22) - Your outgoing nature will cause you to want to give advice this week, Leo. That's an admirable quality. However, your meddling will lead directly to a loved one committing suicide. Try to guess which one. VIRGO (Aug.23-Sep.22) - Time for some tough love here, Virgo. Put down the calculator, get that pickle out of your ass, relax, and just let loose. There are lots of desperate people in bars who would be dying for some action -- even with you. Just go for it. LIBRA (Sep.23-Oct.22) - After I had my vasectomy, I celebrated by picking up a girl in a bar and spending a passionate night with her. Of course, the vasectomy was a failure, and she became pregnant. She then sued me for paternity support. Why am I telling you this, Libra? No reason. I just thought you should know. SCORPIO (Oct.24-Nov.21) - That was quite a nightmare you had last night. You know, the one where you show up for work naked? Well, turns out you're quite psychic this week, Scorpio. Oh, and congrats on the new stripper job. SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22-Dec.21) - I don't care what the hell you do this Friday, Sagittarius. JUST DON'T GET ON A PLANE. CAPRICORN (Dec.22-Jan.19) - Humiliation can sometimes be a tonic for a healthy ego. Remember that this week when that Taco Bell chili cheese burrito combo causes you to lose control of your bowels in church. astrology@bite-news.com

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This is a work of fiction created for satirical purposes only. Any confusion with real or actual events is unintentional and probably means that you are very gullible.